We've been doing a bit of traveling, and every time I go to my parent's house, I'm reminded of how much progress we've made on the sleep front with Ela. One year ago at this time, every sleep time was a battle. I was exhausted just by the thought of the hour I would spend on an average night trying to get our eldest to sleep. Then, she would sneak into our room as soon as we went to bed and keep us awake thrashing around. It was always worse when we traveled, which is probably why I'm reminded of it when I put her down in her own bed at my parent's house. Now, when she curls right up and I get to go downstairs and be social, I'm always extra grateful, but back then, my night effectively ended at 7:00 when I started putting her to bed.
When Lily was born, I was determined that she would learn to sleep in her crib. I never kept her in a bassinet in our room, even, for fear that I'd be tempted to just bring her to bed. I think my regular mid-night trips to her room were somehow soothing for Ela, because she started staying in her room when she'd hear me coming down the hall every few hours. For a few months, Lily was the one keeping me up, and Ela took a break.
Lily, as it turns out, is a child who sleeps, for the most part. At two months, she began sleeping through the night, and I could have danced for joy. I haven't had regular, full nights sleep since Ela was born. I was not expecting to get them again until both girls move out. Lily gave me hope that may be I could expect a little better sleep a little sooner. Then Ela began amping up her midnight battles again. She kept leaving her bed, bedtime was a battle, and I was getting really, really tired.
Then, in August, I stumbled on some advice from another mom on a list serv I'm on. She spoke of magic words that had revolutionized bedtime at her house. The magic words were, "If you stay in bed, we will leave your door open." At the beach this summer, we tried them.
I don't know how we lived before the magic words.
It took remarkably little time for Ela to figure out that she'd rather have the door open than closed, and that she could get that by staying in bed. We had to close her door a few times, but it's been months since we've resorted to that now. Bedtime goes so smoothly, I don't even really mind her stalling tactics anymore. And even her stalling tactics have gotten less serious now that she knows she can get to us any time she needs in the night. This little bit of freedom has made her a much more reasonable sleeper.
We use our new magic words both at nap time (which we call quiet time) and bedtime, but here's the catch: I know she doesn't stay in her bed when ordered. At quiet time, I can hear her toodling around upstairs. I suspect she leaves her room on a nearly daily basis. I find evidence of her trickery all the time: open drawers in her room, doors that I know I left open are suddenly closed, or toys that were on the floor are in her bed. Once I even found evidence that she'd been climbing my chest of drawers, though not enough to punish her. The thing is, there's no screaming, and I can close off my room to prevent further climbing, so I really don't mind that much. Also, when I come up stairs, she always runs right back to her bed so as to "not get caught." The part of me that wants to be a perfect mom worries about what I'm teaching her by not trying to catch her in the act, but the more realistic part of me recognizes several things. 1) I am getting more sleep, which will lead to better parenting for the most part and 2) breaking rules is part of growing up. She learned very quickly how and when to break this one, and I think we're all pretty happy with the results.
So now I get some quiet time every afternoon, during which Ela may or may not sleep, but certainly leaves me alone and I can listen for her from right below. Lily sometimes even graces me with a nap at the same time, which means I get a little Mommy time right in the middle of my day. This has greatly improved my morale.
And every evening, we go up for bedtime confident in the knowledge that by 8:00, Ela will be secure in her bed, and if she chooses not to sleep for another hour after that, it won't cause extra crankiness in me. Either way, I'm not likely to see her again until 7:00ish in the morning, when she decides that it's safe to leave her room and come wake me up.
All this is amazing progress for Ela, and I'm very proud of her. Lily doesn't sleep through the night all the time, but the fact that she'll sleep in her crib gives me hope that the battles for sleep won't be as fierce with her. Also, now we know the magics words. If only there were magic words for potty training, too...
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